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Keep it in Yer Pants

from EP by The Misery Jackals

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lyrics

Well….when I was just a baby
about the age of three
Mom said don’t be naughty
keep yer hands off yer pee pee
But I just couldn’t understand how somethin’ bad could feel so good
Figured if I couldn’t touch it
I’d find someone else that would

Then I was just a little boy
about the age of five
My teenage babysitter
taught me how to muffdive
She showed me how my little friend could make her feel so good
Said that if she had her own
she’d touch it every chance she could

But we got caught and she got fired
and she had to move away
Mom said I was naughty
and there’d be hell to pay
She said that girl was evil and had put me in a trance
And she said that little boys should always keep it in their pants

Then I got a bit older
I was about the age of nine
The next door neighbors daughter said
“hey boy you sure look fine”
She said that she would show me hers if I would show her mine
Then we went outback the woodshed and we had a real good time

But we got caught and now her daddy hates me
to this very day
Mom said I was naughty
and there’d be hell to pay
She said that evil girl had surely put me in a trance
And she said that little boys should always keep it in their pants

Then in junior high school
I was tryin’ to make the scene
When I got so damn lucky
I was sure it was a dream
Two cheerleaders they said ”hey boy” while we were eatin’ lunch
How should I like to come over and “do” them both at once

But then their boyfriends heard about it all
in gym class the next day
So they merciless beat me
and spread rumors I was gay
I swore those girls were evil and had put me in a trance
I was raised a Christian boy and taught to keep it in my pants

Then in my early twenties
I had started playin’ bars
And all the lovely ladies
who like boys who play guitars
They’d tell me that my music made their cooters get so wet
And if I would take em’ home it’d be a night I’d not forget

Some were short and some were skinny
some were fat and some were tall
I remember all their faces
but their names I can’t recall
I have heard in Austin Texas that I have a son named Lance
Don’t you know that little bastard just can’t keep it in his pants

So now I’m getting older
and it’s hard to get a date
I spend a lotta money
and I have to stay out late
Forever searching for the kind of lady that I won’t offend
When I try to bend her over and stick it into her rearend

I’ve had Chlamydia and syphilis
and the clap from gettin’ laid
So now I regularly get tested
To make sure I don’t have AIDS
‘Cause when the girls are drunk and horny no’s a word I just can’t say
I know I really should use condoms but I ran out yesterday

I can still hear my momma callin’
every time I take that chance
Son there will be hell to pay
If you don’t keep it in yer pants

credits

from EP, released April 3, 2009

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The Misery Jackals Akron, Ohio

How punk rock sounds after the zombie apocalypse.

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